Ah. I'm not good with words right now, y'all. My best friend of 15 years had to leave this Earth this past Saturday. I'm going through a very strange process of grieving, where I jump back and forth from denial to bargaining to acceptance, and this can go in a variety of patterns throughout the day. I'm at the point where I can type about it, and share some things with you, so I think I'm getting along through grief.
I can't tell if I'm grateful, a coward, lazy, or a mixture of so many emotions, but I'm *something* that I didn't have to be there when she passed. My Daddio (my Superhero) was the best human ever and held her as she died. I could never be that strong.
Kayla didn't live with Harry and I in Chicago. As you know (or not, in which case you'll find out right now ----------------->), I moved to Chicago a couple of years ago. At this point in time, Kayla was 13 years old, and already having a hard time going up and down stairs. Harry and I live in an apartment on the third floor; this clearly wasn't an option for her. With my parents' help, support, love, and reassurance, I made the decision to keep her in Texas, where she had a big backyard to run around in, and two amazing people that I trust (with my life) to take care of her. I honestly didn't think her final days would come two years later, but she certainly started to slow down once I left.
It's hard to say why or how, or attempt to not come across as dramatic or negative, but I have felt grief and mourning for her for a long time. I remember stopping during a run last year because I started thinking about her, and how much I missed her, and ended up standing on the side of the road, wiping away tears, and allowing myself a moment that a run couldn't cure. I always ended up convincing myself that she was happy staying with my parents in Texas, that she'd be miserable here in Chicago, whether she was with me or not.
I first witnessed her without her spirit last November when we visited for Thanksgiving. I bawled like a baby as she rested next to me one morning before anyone else was awake. I didn't think it was the last time I'd see her, but I did think that she didn't have much time left here. Her wonderful spirit was no longer there; it's like she was too tired to be her anymore.
This past Saturday was a very strange day. I woke up, and for the first time in my life, thought to myself "...maybe that was just a dream...". It didn't take long for me to remember that she was gone, or in the process of going. I didn't ask my Dad when they were taking her. I did the usual thing, got onto Facebook and Twitter, and was immediately offended -- how dare the World go on without her. Angry tears.
After getting up and grabbing some coffee, then dropping the cup of coffee, I stopped thinking that I no longer needed a distraction. Harry didn't leave my side -- he even went downstairs to drop off and change over laundry with me. He let me watch whatever I wanted, chilled out with me all day, and comforted me through every teardrop. Sad, devastated tears.
We had stormy weather Saturday and Sunday. It matched my mood, for the most part. I felt a lot better Sunday, especially after a run (where I only stopped once to cry).
We had so many adventures together. We lived all over Texas, in Germany, and I'd love to think that she got to leave her mark no matter where we went. I'd also love to think that I showed her more than she could've ever imagined, especially after picking her up in an adoption shelter in Killeen, Texas. She has been the highlight of my life ever since that day.
One thing is for sure: I thanked God for her each and every single day. I literally thanked Him out loud. I got through extremely tough times in my life with her there by my side. She would actually hug me (her head over my shoulder). Being a Siberian Husky, she liked her own time; being in her own space. When I was upset or sick, she was just there with me. She chose to hang out with me, and that makes her the best animal on this planet. I will never know what I did to deserve her...all I know is that she rocked my World each and every day. She was mischievous, hilarious, intelligent, sneaky, caring, goofy, sweet, energetic, precious, quirky, beautiful, amazing, playful, graceful, and she was the best thing that God ever gave me. I love and miss her so much already. Happy, grateful, *God is taking care of her for me until we meet again* tears.
She will always be the brightest, happiest star in my universe. I don't think I will ever go a day without thinking about her. I haven't up to this point, and just because she doesn't reside on the same planet as I doesn't mean I'll stop.
Side note: I've only posted happy Kayla pictures (except for when I dressed her up for Halloween, because lol). I choose to remember her this way.