Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Without.

The usual shorty Tuesday morning run ------- 3.09 miles.  I'm not 100% sure if I was awake for all of it.


I'm not gonna lie -- Yesterday was sort of lackluster in the life department.

UNTIL THIS HAPPENED.

Harry and I met up at the grocery store to grab some necessities, and while he was perusing the beer aisle, I strolled a few aisles over.  "I'll brb..."

I have not allowed myself to go down the candy aisle at any grocery store, because it's just been TOO EARLY to get some.  I finally LET IT GO.  It took me exactly 6.42 minutes to figure out which bag of what to get.


Still in shock.  I hadn't even eaten had any of the sweets and was already making weird faces.


I almost feel like it's not quite time for Halloween, and I have no idea why.  We'll discuss that tomorrow, though.:)
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It's Wednesday, and that means there's a focus on a Word!

Deb Runs

Today's word = Deprivation.

Full and honest disclosure:  I am not want for many things in my life, in terms of materials, resources, or tangible items.  I am forever grateful for this fact, that I have never truly been without for any day of my time on this planet.  I have never been deprived of love.  I had the best childhood ever.  I had many chances to succeed.  I have always had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and plus plus plus plus plus plus.  Again...grateful.

There are other things, though, that one can be without.  What I have been deprived of are things that are more on the internally complex challenges chart, such as motivation or courage, hope.  I have spent days, weeks, months, and possibly years, living without the feeling of comfort in my own skin.

Side note:  While I have discussed my life with an eating disorder on the surface, I feel like my blog is a positive space and really don't think it's necessary to get into the deets.  It's not that I don't want to delve into the past, nor is it that I feel like it will trigger anything within myself.  In short, I won't go too much into the story, but this might be a trigger warning for some.

So

When I think of the word "deprivation", I think of the moments where I felt like I had no place on this planet.  I'm sure we all have that feeling every once in a while; it's totally normal to feel lost in such a big place, and it's a part of life to get yourself back on your own path.  I just couldn't get back on my path.  Living without a real path, day in and day out, for a very long time, was hardly living.  What made things worse was that this was a piece that was missing within me, and I had no idea how to communicate that to someone, or how to fix it.  I didn't think anyone could help me through that.  I was without hope, comfort, and courage.

The only thing that I can really say about dealing with this particular period of my life was that I apparently took my time.  My own cycles.  I remember only a couple of things helping me snap slowly but surely out of my dark hole, one was a book, the other was the friend who recommended it.  A runner friend.  Who could easily describe my Friday night before a long run that I was nervous about completing.

While I didn't think that I had any hope, I must've had an ounce of it, because I finally found something that helped.  The time that I spent depriving myself...that's right...I did this to me...of comfort was slow and torturous.  I'm happy that I had enough hope to open up to someone who could really help me, someone I wasn't even really all that close to.

It may seem so simple, but depriving yourself of your own comfort comes down to real acceptance.  We all want to love ourselves...not loathe.  It may seem crazy, because seriously, it is.  I finally found my comfort --- my hope and courage.  And even if someone is the least likely person that you thought you could get information from, TALK to people.  Your little ounce of hope will find the right person to help you, seriously sometimes you can't do it all on your own.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE WITHOUT.:)
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How do you deal with "withouts"?

Do you seek out others when you need help?  Is there a certain point when you ask for help?

QUICK:  All this serious talk, psh...TELL ME YOUR FAVE HALLOWEEN CANDY!

QUICKER:  What's today's workout?


9 comments:

  1. SO MUCH THOUGHT SO EARLY.
    For me, "without" is also that feeling of emptiness. Deprivation on the other hand, to me, feels like punishment--it is very active. Without is a feeling of being lost, not knowing where to go. It is so lonely.
    I am so cold...
    I'm going to go look at a corgi puppy, which I am currently without. But I'm not without pictures of one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure that Corgi puppies could solve anything.

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  2. Ah, the intangibles are so hard to get when you don't have them, but even more essential. Having a spark of courage to reach out for help is so important!

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  3. I used to feel deprived of so much when I was younger. Deprived of the big house, the perfect husband, all the clothes...but as I've gotten older, I've filled my life with so much that it feels almost too full. Don't get me wrong...I still live in the modest house, my husband is a crab, and I don't have all the clothes (although that is a subject for debate here)..but it just seems to be enough.

    Great post. And I'm glad you don't feel "without" any more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - forever and always!

    I feel like you in that I am blessed to never have truly been deprived of anything really important. Sometimes I deprive myself of something when I feel like I've been indulging too much (hello Halloween candy!), but I try to live with moderation in mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's important to indulge. It's when it becomes too obsessive that is when there's a problem. I still face challenges, but I'm in control for the most part.:)

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  5. I'm so glad you found the spark of light that helped you pull yourself onto a new path. What you wrote may have made a real difference for someone who is struggling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This makes my heart smile. I know everyone is on their own clock to recovery, but sometimes it just takes one sign, and it's probably different for everyone.:)

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  6. So glad you found the right person to talk to, and are in a good place now. You writing about your struggles in today's post just might give hope to others in the same position.

    Today's workout was a five mile run with a bunch of friends, two of which will be running the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday!

    My favorite Halloween candy would be Mounds bars; however, I never buy that to give out or I'd eat it, too. Guess I'm depriving myself??? I buy Reece's cups to give out since I can't stand them, but most people love them.

    Thanks for linking up!

    ReplyDelete

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